where do i go from somewhere on earth?

i'm lost. before i had the chance to tell them my desire of quitting my study, i got shot. my dad lectured me. it's the worst feeling ever when somebody is hoping and rely to you but deep inside your heart, you just can't please them because the last thing you would ever wanted to do was to break and crush their high hopes. it's sucks. i know better. 
i'm depressed. distressed much. and i'm desperate. i really prayed and wished He at the above will land me any job. 
why can't my life be as normal as theirs?
i hate living in regrets. because i am living in one now. and it haunts me every day, every second and every minute.
i regretted for continuing my studies at the age where all my friends had already graduated with their diplomas and where some of them pursuing their degrees.
i regretted it all. even though for everything i have missed, i gained something else, but for everything i have gained, i missed something else. ironic.
i actually cried. yeah, i know. just by sitting and crying like baby won't get you anywhere. well i don't give a fuck. i just wanted to cry, i guess it's the only way to pour my heart out. 
it's what i felt the most comfy for me to do, keeping the problems just to myself.
i don't know if i'm like the other people where they keep their issues to themselves only waiting to explode. just like a lava boiling inside of a volcano waiting to erupt.
who knows if one day i could go crazy and lose my sanity for keeping this problems.
blah, i talk craps. 
i know i'm not pious, i'm sorry for praying to You to grant me my request only when i'm desperate for something.
in conclusion, my life sucks. and major failure. i felt like i just lose everything.
nothing is ever nice for me. GAH! my life is a misery, i'm miserable.

welcoming 2011

it's been time since i last posted something in here. welcoming 2011 celebration was just average. my holiday spent back in my hometown was .. average. too.  frankly, i have no idea what to post in here. all i know is, i just hope 2011 would bring me a better luck. and a brighter future perhaps. to be true, i've been grieving over my pathetic life lately. nobody knows what lies ahead of me. but i'm still grateful for waking up every day, another day not promised. still i'm hoping the same thing happened to my cousin on this day happen to me. Last October, she got an interview for the post, Immigration Officer. i really envied her at that time, a healthy envy of course. not the evil way. and today was her interview's result. i was anxious and excited for her, asked her how's the result, but she can't checked, and so i offered her to check it for her and asked for IC number. and yes, i'm the first of all to know about her result. and SHE'S THROUGH! i'm so happy for her, the next Immigration Officer in our family. i was so excited for her that i'm almost teary. :')
now, back to my reality. i thought of quitting my study. seriously. crushing my parent's hopes was the last thing i ever wanted to do. i never want to let them down, but i know someday i had to. i'm completely lost. and i'm completely left out far in my study. sometimes i wish i could just blame my parents for not sending me for further study straight away after my i finished my Form 5. my brain might still be capable in storing datas at that time.


was supposed to post this the last two Mondays. means, last week. i had not started this 2011 very good. 
i just don't know what's in store for me. i'm so distress thinking about my future. 
i do really want to continue my study. which was supposed to be ages ago.
i'm lost, i'm frustrated, i'm stress. and i'm not happy.
yeah, i'm grieving over my life. i'm sorry for sounded like i'm not grateful.
but i'm in dilemma. seriously, i really wish my family would win the 4D number and struck the first prize. 
yes, that's way beyond impossible. 
frankly, i really wanted to drop out from my study. if i had to go back to Kuching later this February, it should be me settling the withdrawal procedure and bring back all my stuff in i had left in Kuching.
oh, Dad, i wish you could understand. i never really wanna break your heart, in fact, crushing your hopes were the last thing on my mind. 
i'm sorry i can't be the one you can be proud of.