welcoming 2011

it's been time since i last posted something in here. welcoming 2011 celebration was just average. my holiday spent back in my hometown was .. average. too.  frankly, i have no idea what to post in here. all i know is, i just hope 2011 would bring me a better luck. and a brighter future perhaps. to be true, i've been grieving over my pathetic life lately. nobody knows what lies ahead of me. but i'm still grateful for waking up every day, another day not promised. still i'm hoping the same thing happened to my cousin on this day happen to me. Last October, she got an interview for the post, Immigration Officer. i really envied her at that time, a healthy envy of course. not the evil way. and today was her interview's result. i was anxious and excited for her, asked her how's the result, but she can't checked, and so i offered her to check it for her and asked for IC number. and yes, i'm the first of all to know about her result. and SHE'S THROUGH! i'm so happy for her, the next Immigration Officer in our family. i was so excited for her that i'm almost teary. :')
now, back to my reality. i thought of quitting my study. seriously. crushing my parent's hopes was the last thing i ever wanted to do. i never want to let them down, but i know someday i had to. i'm completely lost. and i'm completely left out far in my study. sometimes i wish i could just blame my parents for not sending me for further study straight away after my i finished my Form 5. my brain might still be capable in storing datas at that time.


was supposed to post this the last two Mondays. means, last week. i had not started this 2011 very good. 
i just don't know what's in store for me. i'm so distress thinking about my future. 
i do really want to continue my study. which was supposed to be ages ago.
i'm lost, i'm frustrated, i'm stress. and i'm not happy.
yeah, i'm grieving over my life. i'm sorry for sounded like i'm not grateful.
but i'm in dilemma. seriously, i really wish my family would win the 4D number and struck the first prize. 
yes, that's way beyond impossible. 
frankly, i really wanted to drop out from my study. if i had to go back to Kuching later this February, it should be me settling the withdrawal procedure and bring back all my stuff in i had left in Kuching.
oh, Dad, i wish you could understand. i never really wanna break your heart, in fact, crushing your hopes were the last thing on my mind. 
i'm sorry i can't be the one you can be proud of.